So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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