Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
