My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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