I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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