You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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