Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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