Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
