new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
