if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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