My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
