People in love make me want to vomit
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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