1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
