threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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