Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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