FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I am naked and annoyed.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
