you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
