And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
