It's like a parade of train wrecks.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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