just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
