We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
