I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
