I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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