the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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