I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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