So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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