she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
