Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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