literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
