Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize