I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
