well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
