So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
