Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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