I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
