I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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