The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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