Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
