the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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