Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
