The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
