i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Everything about him screamed your future.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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