Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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