You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
