it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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