I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
