i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
