mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
