since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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