Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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