Old men and throwing up are my life now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
